Some background might help...
I was married, to a man, for 18 years. In that time I had 2 beautiful boys and I take with me many fond memories. However, as in any marriage, there were struggles, and although I thought that I could overcome some of the more lasting wounds, it just was not possible for me. As many of us do, I put on a happy face, concentrated on other things, and moved forward, without really realizing myself how unhappy I was.
In my late 30’s I felt that my life was going pretty well. I had a nice home, a good job and a wonderful group of friends. It was around this time that I realized that I had become quite fond of one friend in particular and over the next few years, and numerous attempts to “explain my feelings away” I finally had to admit to myself that what I was feeling was more than one friend “should” feel for another. Thus began my process of “coming out”. The first person I told was my husband. (Incidentally, he was not surprised). The next thing I did was call a therapist.
At this point let me say that I am not a judgmental person and have never been a “homophobe”! I have had several gay friends in my life and have always been of the mind that “love is love”. I guess that is why my first conversation with the therapist was quite easy. I told her that I was not expecting her to make this go away, I just wanted to understand why it was happening to me now, at age 40. I played women’s basketball through junior & senior high, and women’s softball until my early 20’s. If I was going to discover that I was attracted to women, why didn’t it happen sooner? I have since come to the realization that, in hindsight, there were plenty of signs along the way, I just was not open to seeing them. Being a lesbian was never even a consideration for me. My husband was the only man I had every been with so I never truly explored my sexuality.
It was shortly after this that I met my wife on an online web forum for women who were discovering this about themselves as I was, after living half their lives as “straight” women. There are a lot more of us out there than you’d think. About a year later I was legally separated from my husband and the rest, as they say, is history.
I am aware that to some it looks as though I have made a choice to be gay because I was living the “straight” life for so long. However, I do truly believe that I was born this way because I have never felt as comfortable in my own skin, as authentically myself, or as complete as I do now. If I had come to this realization earlier in my life, I know that I would not have been able to embrace it the way I have. I also would not have 2 wonderful children. So for that I am grateful to be a "late bloomer". Everything happens for a reason, and better late than never!
In my late 30’s I felt that my life was going pretty well. I had a nice home, a good job and a wonderful group of friends. It was around this time that I realized that I had become quite fond of one friend in particular and over the next few years, and numerous attempts to “explain my feelings away” I finally had to admit to myself that what I was feeling was more than one friend “should” feel for another. Thus began my process of “coming out”. The first person I told was my husband. (Incidentally, he was not surprised). The next thing I did was call a therapist.
At this point let me say that I am not a judgmental person and have never been a “homophobe”! I have had several gay friends in my life and have always been of the mind that “love is love”. I guess that is why my first conversation with the therapist was quite easy. I told her that I was not expecting her to make this go away, I just wanted to understand why it was happening to me now, at age 40. I played women’s basketball through junior & senior high, and women’s softball until my early 20’s. If I was going to discover that I was attracted to women, why didn’t it happen sooner? I have since come to the realization that, in hindsight, there were plenty of signs along the way, I just was not open to seeing them. Being a lesbian was never even a consideration for me. My husband was the only man I had every been with so I never truly explored my sexuality.
It was shortly after this that I met my wife on an online web forum for women who were discovering this about themselves as I was, after living half their lives as “straight” women. There are a lot more of us out there than you’d think. About a year later I was legally separated from my husband and the rest, as they say, is history.
I am aware that to some it looks as though I have made a choice to be gay because I was living the “straight” life for so long. However, I do truly believe that I was born this way because I have never felt as comfortable in my own skin, as authentically myself, or as complete as I do now. If I had come to this realization earlier in my life, I know that I would not have been able to embrace it the way I have. I also would not have 2 wonderful children. So for that I am grateful to be a "late bloomer". Everything happens for a reason, and better late than never!
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